Something is happening in me. I don't know what. I can tell that it is big, but I can't put it into words. I can't explain this feeling but it is big and it is real.
It's like the moment before it rains when the wind changes and the air shifts and gives you chills and you can feel the moisture, but the drops haven't yet begun to fall. That is what I feel like. It is about to rain and rain and rain, I can feel it.
I know that it is a good rain, full of promise and life and revelation. A cleansing rain that brings cool air and makes the flowers grow.
Today, I sat in my room, drinking in the words of "Eighteen Inch Journey" -Cageless Birds, given to me by the kind of friend who sees your heart and soul. A "glory" friend.
So, I closed my eyes. In the silence and stillness.
In my mind, I was walking to open the door and an intense feeling flooded my body from head to toe. It was so real, so vivid. My heart pounding, pounding, pounding. I could not get to the door fast enough.
Finally, I opened the door. Immediately, I began to weep. I don't know if I can even say "weep" is the right word, but it's the only way I can describe it. He just held me and said nothing. I wept and wept and wept in His arms. Relief. Flooded by extreme relief. More than extreme... more than relief. There are no words for the feeling. I could not stop crying, but I didn't want to anyway. It felt so good to cry in His arms with no separation, no longing, no desperation, just nearness. Nearness. Tangible nearness with tangible arms and tangible comfort.
Sometimes I feel like I spend my days convincing myself that "it will rain" and "he is near" and "his presence is all around us". I try to convince myself and convince the world that He is good and so, so close. I try to convince myself of the presence of God and it is exhausting. Exhausting. Exhausting. I am exhausted with convincing myself.
So, I hold on to the feeling, the more-than-extreme and more-than-relief of the glimpse He gave me today in my room. The rain is coming. The rain IS coming. He is near...
I'm tired of convincing myself. I'm just going to open the door.